Post-College Haze

What Is to Be Done When You’ve Done What You Set Out For?

Graduation

On May 11, 2024, I sat on my porch with one of my closest friends as we discussed our future and reminisced about the good times we’d had together. We graduated the day before, but it wasn’t until this moment that reality set in. During those last few days of the semester, we bid farewell to friends about to scatter across the country (and globe). We couldn’t help but ask when the next time our friend group would all be together again. Medical school graduation? A wedding? A well-executed trip abroad that somehow makes it out of the group chat? Regardless, the weight of that question was crippling.

As he sat next to me, my friend lamented that he wasn’t ready to be done. I tried to help ease his mind by rationalizing his distress. I noted that in both of our cases, graduating college was an inevitable milestone, so the gratification from our achievement would be delayed. He agreed somewhat, but then further clarified his feelings. He was excited about entering the workforce, charting his life's course, and gaining some certainty about his future. However, he wasn't prepared to watch the bonds forged over the past four years weaken over time. At that moment, I heard his words, but I couldn’t yet feel them myself. It wasn’t till a week or so later, sitting on my bed in my parents’ house, that I understood. Since I first understood the words and images on a TV screen as a young child, the importance of college has been constantly reiterated to me. And now that I had completed my college education, I felt empty.

Despite achieving the goal and receiving praise from everyone around me, it was a struggle to want. My identity and “job” of sorts had been stripped away, and this didn’t feel like freedom at all. I felt apathy, sadness, regret, uncertainty, emptiness, and everything in between. Thankfully, I found solace in knowing that my peers, both in-person and online, felt the same way, but this knowledge didn’t do anything to address the root issue. Nevertheless, I carried on. I applied for jobs, started a blog, listened to music, hung out with my family, and did plenty of other things, and slowly but surely, that feeling of emptiness became a feeling of freedom.

The realities of adulthood are still daunting, but at least mentally, I feel more prepared now. In those somber few weeks, I recognized the need for intentionality and drive if I am to achieve my future goals while still maintaining the bonds I hold dearly. In the spirit of self-reflection, I reviewed my book of poems to see which one might make for an interesting post, and I found one that perfectly encapsulated my feelings. I wrote this poem a couple of months ago while contemplating my future and reflecting on the countless words of wisdom shared by those older than me. Funny enough, I’d already shared this poem with the friend I mentioned earlier, and he responded, “My life goal is to disprove this poem” (as it is mine).

Soul for Sale

Bullshit jobs and vapid conversations.
Just one more day.
Stagnant hobbies and money fluctuations.
Just one more day.
Discarded ideals and youthful expatiations.
Just one more day.
Unending bar crawls and tired observations.
Just one more day.
Drawn out glances and fleeting fixations.
Just one more day.
Lustful thoughts and mindless fornication.
Just one more day.
Quick release and momentary elation.
Just one more day.
Broken promises and one self-proclamation.
Just one more day.